


none of this has been about you

by eggharbor



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Bad Matchmaking, Fights, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Polyamory Negotiations, Sad Morality | Patton Sanders, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Sort of? - Freeform, Things get rough, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, avoiding our problems and pretending that will make them go away, background remile, but at first they go POORLY, but pat sure thinks it is, i mean they work it out but still, it's only bad because pat's avoiding his ~feelings~, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggharbor/pseuds/eggharbor
Summary: "I will always be here for you. But I can't be the thing that ruins your happiness. I’m here for you, okay, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. But… maybe it’s better if I stay with Emile and Rem for a while longer and give you guys your space." He nods once, convincing himself.This is what he wants, right? For them to be happy?Virgil’s voice startles him out of his thoughts. “What about you?” He says thinly. Patton feels numb.“What?”(Or: Patton loves his friends so, so much, and doesn't love himself nearly enough.)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Comments: 20
Kudos: 125





	none of this has been about you

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "NONE of this has been about you" by Spencer Sutherland.

“Patton?”

Despite the current twisting of his stomach, Patton smiles. He shivers slightly against the breeze, thanks Logan when he holds up his umbrella to cover the both of them. The sound of the raindrops bouncing off of it soothes his nerves a bit. He leans in closer. If Logan notices, he doesn’t comment on it.

Instead, he asks, “Is there a particular reason you are up on the roof right now?”

He laughs softly, full of affection for his present company. “Not really, kiddo. I just love how pretty the world gets when it rains.” Patton doesn’t tell him that the rain reminds him of Logan — steady, reassuring, necessary to life. That the rain grounds him when he feels like he’s spiraling out of control.

Logan examines him for a moment, then blinks, perplexed. “Roman believes you are going to catch a cold.”

“I won’t!” He’s distracted, for a moment, by a couple running towards their building to escape the rain. They’re hand in hand, giggling like children, stumbling over themselves without a care in the world. Patton’s heart aches.

“You do not know that for certain, Patton.”

“Well, no,” he admits, color rising to his cheeks. “But if I do, I’ll be okay.” If he does end up getting sick, Logan will lock him in their apartment and stress to him the importance of proper self-care. Roman will fuss over him and make him soup using his grandmother’s recipe and set up Disney movies to watch until he’s better. Virgil will wrap him in blankets and curl up beside him, pretending that he doesn’t care how sick Patton is. So it’s okay if he gets sick. Really, it’s more than okay.

Besides, Patton loves the rain.

He turns to look at Logan, who’s still staring at him curiously. His eyes are so, so blue.

“Patton?”

“Yeah, Lo?”

“Would you mind if I… stayed? I would like to understand why the rain appeals to you as much as it does.” Patton can’t help the fond shake of his head that follows.

“Hey, Logan?”

“Yes, Patton?”

“Are you a banana?”

“Oh, Patton, please don’t—”

“Because I find you very a-peeling!”

“… You’re terrible.”

They stay out together for almost an hour, sitting in comfortable silence, a warm feeling settling over them. They both end up getting sick, and Roman and Virgil pretend to be annoyed with them for being so stubborn.

It’s totally worth it.

Patton never leaves his ringer off.

It’s habit from middle school, after the first night Virgil had called him, breathless and afraid, and he’d kicked himself internally because _what if he hadn’t been awake_ and _what if Virgil had been alone_ and _God, sometimes he’s just so stupid_ —

So his ringer stays on, and he stays awake into the early hours of the morning, waiting for a call that may not come.

Tonight, Patton’s not at the apartment, working the closing shift at the local coffee shop. He’s mopping the floors when his phone starts to chime, interrupting his playlist, and it only takes a few seconds for his brain to register the noise before he’s diving over the counter, grabbing it and quickly hitting ‘answer.’

“Hello?” He hears a few shaky wheezes on the other end of the line. “… Virgil, I’m gonna start counting, and I want you to match you breathing to my count, okay? In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. One, two, three…”

It takes about five minutes for Virgil’s breathing to steady, with Patton softly offering words of encouragement tinged pink with affection. Virgil sighs into the phone, and because he’s alone, Patton lets a fond smile of relief slip through.

“Thanks, Pat.”

“Of course, kiddo,” he says. “Do you want to talk or do you want me to talk?”

“You can talk, yeah,” Virgil responds after a moment, and Patton barely hesitates before launching into a story about a woman who’d ordered a twelve-shot latte earlier. Virgil laughs, interjecting at all the right parts.

He keeps Virgil on speaker while he finishes his closing tasks, and packages up one of the leftover pastries to take home. It’s about a twenty minute walk back to their apartment, during which Patton regales Virgil with horror stories from mock trial practice and interesting conversations he’s had this week in his philosophy class.

Virgil’s already waiting by the door when he finally makes it to their floor. He drops his phone and hurls himself into Patton’s arms without a word. Patton catches him, of course.

“Thank you,” Virgil mumbles. Patton rubs his back soothingly, lifting Virgil up and carrying him into the living room.

“‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ sound okay?” He asks, snagging a blanket from the other side of the couch and draping it over them both. Virgil nods, sighing happily, tucking himself into Patton’s side.

“You know, this is kind of like what we used to do back in middle school, remember?”

Patton nods thoughtfully, reflecting on all the sleepovers he’s had with Virgil over the years. “Sorta! Except back then, we used to watch movies in a blanket fort.”

A mischievous grin lights up Virgil’s features. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Logan and Roman awaken the next morning and find the living room in complete disarray, with couch cushions and blankets strewn all about, the TV still warm. In the center of the chaos, Virgil and Patton are cuddled together, sleeping soundly.

Patton has trouble saying “no” sometimes. And by sometimes, he means most of the time.

“Patton!” Roman calls after him, chasing him down in the quad. Patton frowns slows to a stroll, forgetting for a moment that he’s running late for his 11 a.m. lecture.

“Roro? Is something the matter?”

“I require your immediate assistance, my puffball friend,” Roman pleads, nudging his shoulder. “My audition is in half an hour and I would very much appreciate if you would come with me as my emotional support.”

Patton should say no. His psych lecture is important, and he knows that he’ll struggle with the project being assigned this week without the information he’ll receive today.

But Roman’s using his puppy-dog eyes (and the effect of them is devastating, because Roman’s so handsome and cute that it physically hurts to look at him sometimes), and Patton knows he wouldn’t ask for his help for no reason at all, so he resigns himself to getting the notes from a classmate as he nods at Roman.

Roman practically squeals, grabbing Patton’s arm and dragging him towards the theatre. They wait out in the hallway for Roman’s name to be called with a few of the other theatre kids, who greet them both pleasantly when they arrive.

“What part are you trying out for, Ro?” Patton asks.

“The prince! I chose a romantic monologue because I felt it fit the part the best, but…” Roman’s smile suddenly drops, and he begins to twitch.

Patton reaches for his hand, which Roman takes. “… But what?”

“I, well…” Roman clears his throat. “It’s a rather… emotional piece. And I usually excel at these, but with this one…” He trails off.

Patton frowns. That won’t do. “How about you practice on me? That way when you walk in, you feel extra confident?”

Roman smiles hesitantly. “Are you sure?”

“Positive!” Patton nudges him. “Blow me away, Ro!”

Roman chuckles fondly, stepping back to put a fair amount of space between him and Patton. He takes a deep breath, then launches into it.

“Well, I was young when we met, around sixteen,” Roman sighs dreamily, swooning dramatically. “I loved him, I was madly in love with him. And we both knew we had something special. He was a gorgeous man…”

For a moment — and maybe it’s selfish, but for a moment, Patton doesn’t care — he imagines the words are for him. That this performance, and all it entails… all the dramatics were his. It was him Roman was so madly besotted with. He was the one Roman wanted to be with, not anyone else.

“And I thought the world of him but we were young,” Roman continues, and Patton quickly loses himself in watching the way he throws himself into the performance. “I was too young…he was too young, it was never really going to work. Sometimes it does but that’s rare.” He exhales softly, dropping his gaze and hunching in on himself, making himself smaller with grief. “I needed to leave the city, I wanted to travel, get to know myself before I could love him. But then you know, life takes us in different directions.”

Roman laughs, but it rings with sadness. He takes a few steps backwards, putting his head in his hands.

“Just because a couple doesn’t stay together, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t love,” he murmurs. “Sometimes we abandon the things we love the most…why? I don’t know…I’ve never…perhaps we know that too much of a good thing doesn’t always give us what we were looking for.”

Roman seems lost in memory for a moment. Patton fights the urge to cry.

“Toward the end he didn’t put up the kind of fight I was expecting him to, so I thought maybe he didn’t need me that badly, maybe it’s good for him, too.” Roman’s tearing up now, Patton can see the glimmer in his eyes. Discreetly, Patton tries to wipe his own. “So, you can’t blame yourself, you can’t blame him…”

Roman shakes his head, then lifts his gaze to stare Patton dead in the eye as he delivers the last line.

“You have to do what you feel is most right for you, otherwise you’ll never be happy, you’ll always wonder, what if…”

Patton can’t help himself. He lunges at Roman, throwing himself into his friend’s arms.

“Oh!” Roman gasps, instinctively returning the embrace. “Oh, Patton, are you alright?”

Patton heaves, trying to simultaneously regain control of his heartbeat and his breathing. “That was… That was…”

Roman tenses. “Oh, no, did you hate it?”

“Roman, no!” Patton cries, burrowing his face into Roman’s jacket to hide his tears. “That was beautiful. I’m crying real tears right now, Roman Martinez, all because of you and your… and your…” Patton laughs, hitting Roman’s chest playfully to distract from his sniffling. “I can’t even string two words together! Literally speechless, Ro, that’s how amazing it was!”

“You… really liked it?” Roman says, voice unsure. Patton finally removes his face from Roman’s chest and meets his shining gaze.

“If they don’t give you the part on the spot, I’m going to have to physically fight them.”

Roman groans, shoving him with a barely concealed grin. “No, we’ve talked about this Patton.” Then he tenses again, which makes Patton’s brows furrow. Roman swallows audibly. “Listen, I—” But before he can finish, his name is called. Patton fusses over him for a moment, straightening his jacket. Thank goodness, the wet spot from his tears isn’t even noticeable. He gives Roman a fond smile.

“Go knock their socks off, Roro, they’ve never seen anyone as incredible as you in their lives.” Roman pulls him in for one last hug.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” It’s so soft that Patton’s not even sure that Roman meant for him to hear it. Then he’s off, but not without one last wave back at Patton. “You’re the best, Pat!”

Patton watches him go, smiling sadly. He reaches for his phone to text Logan and Virgil. There’s no doubt in his mind that Roman will get the part, and tonight, the four of them are going out to celebrate.

And even though he’s so, so happy for Roman… he can’t deny that there’s a part of him that wishes Roman loved him with even half the intensity he expressed in his monologue.

Patton remembers the moment he fell in love with Logan.

They’d been visiting the planetarium together for Patton’s astronomy class — a gen ed requirement, if you could believe that, but Logan loved the subject so Patton didn’t mind as much. Logan had been pointing out exhibits he found interesting and giving his own in-depth summary of each of them for the past two hours when they’d finally decided to call it quits. At some point, the two of them had linked hands, and Patton swung them joyfully between the two of them without a care in the world. That is, until he’d noticed the anxiety creeping up on Logan’s features.

“… Lo? Everything okay?”

Logan glanced at him, then quickly down at their intertwined fingers. Patton flushed, realizing quickly that he’d made Logan uncomfortable, and let go.

“I…” Logan started, then huffed quickly. “There is something I would like to show you, Patton, if that would be alright with you.”

“Of course!” Patton smiled, reaching out once more for Logan’s hand before thinking better of it, and followed Logan as he walked towards their building. He didn’t say anything as Logan guided him all the way up the stairs, up to the rooftop. Logan opened the door, and Patton gasped in shock. Set up on the roof were several blankets and Logan’s telescope, as well as Patton’s picnic basket that Roman had given him sometime last year.

Logan fidgeted beside him. “I believe it may be easier for you to complete your assignment if you observe the stars in person.”

“Logan,” Patton breathed.

“Is it… too much?”

“No,” Patton laughed, feeling his heartbeat dance in his chest, “Logan, no, it’s _perfect_.”

Patton thought Logan preened a bit at his words before he directed Patton to lie down beside him. Patton did as he was told, staring up at the sky in awe. Logan began pointing out constellations to him, regaling him with the mythology behind each. He had been so engrossed in his own storytelling that he hadn’t noticed as Patton’s attention shifted from the stars above to Logan, beautiful and bathed in moonlight.

Patton’s favorites have always been sunflowers.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Patton had never liked to pick favorites, because he loved all flowers equally. Violets and calla lilies, roses and daisies, carnations and tulips… it never mattered to him, because they were all different and all so _beautiful_.

Kind of like his best friends.

But then applications come out to direct the spring show their junior year of high school, and Virgil’s been pushing him to put himself out there and actually get to know people other than him, and Patton’s insistent that as long as he has Virgil he’ll be alright, but directing _does_ sound fun…

A week after Patton submits his application, it’s announced that Patton Hart and Roman Martinez will be co-directing “Guys and Dolls.”

It’s… stressful.

It’s Patton’s very first leadership role, and Roman’s first time out of the spotlight since freshman year, but the two of them make a great team. Roman knows how the theatre works inside and out, and Patton’s always been great with people. So Roman takes to working with the crew most days, which is how he comes to befriend Virgil, working backstage. This leaves Patton to handle the cast, who can prove to be a little much, at times. After rehearsal, the three of them drive to a coffee shop down town and talk blocking, choreo, lighting, ticket prices, ad sales for the program, t-shirts for the cast, whether or not they need to add some extra rehearsals to their schedule, oh my God, did you see Katie, she was so off-beat—

Patton’s parents have always welcomed Virgil into their home with open arms, letting him stay over during the school week, insisting on it if he mentioned things were rough at home. They welcome Roman with the same warmth. It makes Roman tear up a bit the first time, after he accidentally crashes at the Hart household. It makes Patton pull him into a tight hug.

A few hours before opening night, Patton runs to get coffee for his two best friends, and on his way, passes by the florist on Main Street. He stops for a moment, thinking to himself. Before he can think better of it, he marches inside.

It’s ten minutes before show when Patton nervously thrusts the biggest bouquet of sunflowers he could afford at Roman, cheeks stained red and throat bone dry.

“I just… I saw them and I thought… I’m so glad we got paired up, even though we didn’t know each other, Roman. Because, well…” He trails off, giggling shrilly out of fear. And oh God, Roman’s staring at him with such a strange expression, and Patton’s never had this much trouble with words before, certainly not when it came to Roman. But he’s having trouble looking Roman in his pretty brown eyes so he swallows his feelings and says, “Because I’m so happy I get to call you my friend.”

Cautiously, Roman takes the flowers. Then he throws them aside, launching himself at Patton and burrowing his face in his neck.

“Thank you, Padre,” Roman says wetly, and oh _no_ , did he make Roman cry? Roman pulls back and… no, Roman’s _smiling_ , those are happy tears. Roman wipes his eyes and picks the bouquet up, cradling it in his arms. “Sunflowers are my favorite.”

And Roman’s eyes shine when Virgil calls, “Five minutes!” He doesn’t see Roman until the final bow, but his heart just won’t stop pounding.

So sunflowers become Patton’s favorite, too, and now the apartment always has a vase of them sitting on the table.

Patton Hart met Virgil Yu on the first day of sixth grade, and since then they’ve been inseparable. If it were up to Patton, the two of them would continue to be inseparable for the rest of their lives.

And then they get to high school, and they meet Roman Martinez, who makes Virgil’s blood boil and Patton’s heart flutter, and he worms his way into their little _PattonandVirgil_ bubble so sneakily that it becomes their little _PattonandRomanandVirgil_ bubble without them even realizing. Not that Patton minds.

When they get to college, their bubble expands once more for Logan Avis, and Patton’s world finally feels whole.

But if Patton’s really and truly being honest about his feelings, there’s a part of him that misses the days he’d had Virgil’s attention all to himself. Because there’s a part of Patton that’s been in love with Virgil since they were twelve years old and still trying to figure out how the world worked.

Or maybe that’s not quite it. Because Patton loves all of them so much that sometimes it makes him feel like he’s drowning, but loving Virgil…

Loving Virgil has always come as easy as breathing.

Patton has always loved school. At school, he gets to see people, and every new person he meets is a potential friend. He’d been sad when his family had moved to Florida that summer, because it meant that he and his brother, Emile, had to say goodbye to all of their friends back home. But starting middle school in a new town meant that there was a whole school of new people who could potentially become friends.

Patton was the first one to class on the first day of 6th grade. He sat near the front of the classroom to watch his peers file inside. That meant he was the first one to notice the boy in the oversized purple hoodie immediately make his way to the back of the room. And he was the first one to notice as someone stuck out their leg and tripped him, the first one to notice the muffled laughter from the other kids in the room.

He sees red.

“Hey!” Patton narrowed his eyes. “Leave him alone.”

The boy who’d tripped him laughed. “Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s cool. Right?” He shot a pointed look at the boy in the hoodie.

The boy crossed his arms and slouched down. Patton’s heart ached for him. “Yeah. Cool.”

Patton wanted to say something else, but Ms. Stevenson, their homeroom teacher, clapped her hands together, and the rooms quieted down.

“Good morning, everyone!” Ms. Stevenson smiled after the last few stragglers had filed into the room. “Today, I have a worksheet for all of you to complete. I’ll allow you to work with a partner if you’d like! You’ll be turning it in at the end of class.” There were some hushed whispers that followed as Ms. Stevenson began passing out the papers. Students started swapping seats, moving by their friends. Patton looked back towards the boy in the hoodie, shrinking down on himself and keeping his gaze pinned to the floor. He stood up, and walked towards him.

“Wanna be partners?” The boy slowly lifted his head.

“Huh?”

“Partners!” Said Patton, grinning.

“Don’t you wanna work with someone else?” The boy mumbled. He pointed to a girl in the front of the room waving Patton over, to the boy who tripped him on his way in. Patton barely glanced at them, shaking his head.

“Nope!” He giggled. “I wanna work with you.”

The boy tensed. “If… if this is some dumb prank, then—”

“A prank?” Patton tilted his head, confused. “No, I just…” He sighed. “I saw what happened earlier. I saw them laugh. Those aren’t the kind of people I want to be friends with.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, scuffing the ground with his shoe. “And… I like your hoodie,” he added with crimson cheeks, suddenly bashful. “Purple’s a pretty color.”

The boy inspected him for a few moments. Then, he raised his hand. “Ms. Stevenson!” He called. “We need a worksheet.” He turned back to Patton, sticking out his hand awkwardly. “I’m Virgil.”

Patton squealed, ignoring the hand in favor of wrapping his arms around Virgil in a tight hug. “Patton!” He told him excitedly. “We’re gonna be best friends.”

Virgil withdrew from the hug and attempted to look stern, but the fond half-smile on his face betrayed him. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself.”

“Nope!” Patton shook his head. “I’m already there. You’re definitely best friend material. I can feel it.” He winked at Virgil for good measure.

Virgil’s demeanor changed instantly. He fidgeted in his seat, looking up at Patton hopefully. “…Yeah?”

Patton’s heart _melted_. He grabbed for Virgil’s hand, linking their fingers together. “Absolutely.”

Patton swears to this day that Virgil’s ensuing smile could’ve powered the sun and stars.

Virgil likes Roman.

Patton’s never been very good at reading people, despite what most who know him would assume, but he prides himself on how well he knows his best friends.

They’re all squeezed together in the library on a Tuesday when Patton first notices it. They’re cramming for midterms, even though Logan had made the three of them study schedules during the first week of classes. Patton doesn’t mind how stern Logan can be sometimes, though. He sees how much Logan cares about them, how he wants them to be extra prepared. It’s one of the things he loves most about Logan, so he puts up no fight, and helps his friend drag the other two along.

He’s rereading his notes on his last lecture when out of the corner of his eye, he sees it. Virgil and Roman have been bickering since they arrived, but now, they’ve fallen silent, engrossed in their work. Except…

Except Virgil isn’t looking at his textbook. He’s looking at Roman. His eyes are shining.

Oh.

And Patton remembers the two of them in high school, back when it was just the three of them, back before they had met Logan. Virgil and Roman had always been at each other’s throats, but in a fond way, their arguments always ending in laughter and good humor. They’d always been playful and teasing, so wrapped up in their banter that sometimes it hadn’t even felt like Patton was in the room with them—

_Oh_.

So Virgil likes Roman, and there’s a good chance Roman likes Virgil, too. And Patton…

Patton is fine. He has to be. He’s fine.

He buys the movie tickets and makes the reservation before he can talk himself out of it, and he slides the envelope with all the information in it under Virgil’s door that night after he’s gone to bed.

And when Friday rolls around and Logan asks where Roman and Virgil have disappeared to, Patton pretends not to know.

Logan likes Roman.

Virgil and Roman are rarely home since they’ve started dating, so Logan’s taken to inviting just Patton out with him to study at the coffee shop.

Which is fine! It’s good, and it’s fine, because Patton loves… hanging out with Logan, loves the way his eyes light up when he’s rambling on about a topic he finds fascinating, loves it when he looks at Patton, all bright-eyed and flushed and out of breath—

Oh, who is Patton kidding?

Today’s not like that though, because Logan barely speaks to Patton on the walk over. He doesn’t even look at him. It’s a little reminiscent of the Logan he’d met back in freshman year, the Logan who had kept to himself for the most part, who had never let anyone see the parts of him that Patton finds so incredibly beautiful.

Patton makes it until they sit down, after they’ve placed their orders. “Lo? Is everything okay?”

He doesn’t expect the sharp look Logan gives him, nor the short tone when he snaps, “Everything is fine, Patton, there is no need for you to stare at me so pityingly.”

Patton flinches at his words, shrinking down in his chair. Even still, he reaches out a tentative hand. “It’s not pity, Logan. It’s concern. You’ve been distant all morning.”

Logan softens. It’s a slight thing, but Patton considers himself to be a bit of an expert when it comes to Logan Avis. “I… apologize, Patton. I realize that might have been a bit curt.”

Patton forces a smile. “Well, you’re always a bit of a curt-mudgeon before you’ve had your coffee!”

It has the intended effect. Logan groans, dropping his head onto the table with a low _thunk_. “Patton, your puns are insufferable.”

“Don’t you mean pun-derful?”

“Patton, I will leave you here.” And then Logan stood up, as if to really leave.

Patton scrambles to grab ahold of his wrist. “Wait, Logan! I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

Logan shoots him an odd look, confused and a little bit fond. “I am simply going to get the drinks, Patton. I would not actually leave you here.”

Patton laughs a little, still tense, to clear the air. “Of course, kiddo, I know that! I was just goofing around with you.”

But that just makes Logan look at him more intensely, to the point where Patton starts fidgeting in his seat. “Patton… you are aware that I would not leave you here, correct?”

Patton lowers his gaze to the floor. “… The barista’s calling your name again, Logan.”

He feels Logan staring at him for a few moments more before he trudges off towards the counter. Patton’s shoulders sag in relief. When he returns, gently setting Patton’s chai latte down in front of him, Patton jumps on the chance to redirect the conversation.

“You didn’t answer me before, Lo. What’s going on?”

Logan fiddles with the straw of his iced coffee, sighing. “It appears that I am… pining.”

Patton furrows his brows. “Pining?”

“Yes,” Logan nods. He doesn’t explain any further, but he doesn’t need to. Patton starts connecting the dots in his mind.

Freshman year, Logan and Roman had been assigned as roommates, just down the hall from Virgil and Patton. He remembers stopping by Roman’s dorm room during move-in to drop off some cookies he’d baked, and making eye contact with Logan’s bright blue eyes for the first time. He remembers how quickly the air had left his lungs.

_No. Too far._

He remembers the first time Roman forced Logan to hang out with them, how nervous he’d been until Virgil asked him if he’d wanted to join their campaign for the fall. They needed a third party member, after all, since Roman’s paladin and Patton’s druid wouldn’t stand a chance alone. He remembers the smile that had slowly grown on Logan’s face as he’d rambled on about Gary Gygax and the origins of Dungeons and Dragons, remembers watching him ramp himself up, already completely infatuated with him.

And he remembers the way Roman had laughed, swinging an arm around him as he’d said, “Welcome to the party, Specs.”

Most of all, he remembers the way Logan had blushed.

Logan had only started acting like this after Roman and Virgil’s first date. He’d asked Patton to come along this morning because Roman and Virgil couldn’t make it.

Because _Roman_ couldn’t make it.

“Oh,” Patton says helplessly, chest aching. “Oh, Logan.” Logan sighs again, sadder this time.

“I’m sorry to burden you with this.”

“No, _no_ , I’m sorry!” Patton cries. “I’m the one who set them up, Logan, I didn’t even think… Oh, I’m so _sorry_! Why didn’t you tell me you like Roman?”

Logan blinks. “Yes. Just Roman. I like Roman.” There’s something strange about his voice, but Patton’s already spiraled too far to notice.

“Oh, God Logan,” he whimpers, pulling his friend into a tight embrace. After a few seconds, Logan gently begins patting him on the back.

“It’s alright, Patton. It isn’t your fault.” He lets go then, reaching for his pencil, sending a soft smile Patton’s way. “Now, we did come here to study, did we not?”

Patton swallows down his tears and tries his best to mirror Logan’s expression. “Or… we could talk about Roman for a minute?”

Logan stiffens. “…Talk about Roman?”

Patton nods nervously, reaching out to take Logan’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Logan watches with a stoic expression. “If you need to get it off your chest.”

Logan looks at him quizzically. “There is nothing physically on my chest.”

Patton laughs fondly, squeezing Logan’s hand. “Expression, Lolo. If you need to talk to someone about it, verbalize it to someone, rant about it for a little… I’ll listen.”

Logan eyes him dubiously. “If you’re certain this would be beneficial…”

Patton nudges him. “Sometimes it’s nice to just have someone to listen, you know? And I always love listening to you.”

“Patton…” Logan stares at him, awed, then shakes his head. “In that case… Roman is often the _worst._ He has no right in being so charming—“ Patton listens to Logan with rapt attention for a full hour. At no point does Logan make any move to let go of Patton’s hand.

Patton wishes it didn’t make him as happy as it does. Especially not when he’s not the one Logan wants.

Roman likes Logan. Patton wishes he didn’t know.

He’s not sure how he’s become the keeper of secrets in their apartment, considering the fact that he’s never been a very good liar. But it’s during their weekly Disney marathon, after Logan and Virgil have gone to bed, citing their tests the next morning, that Roman confesses to him.

“I think I might like Logan?”

Patton, who had been shoveling popcorn into his mouth for the last half hour, pauses. “What?”

“Yeah,” Roman scoots a little further away from Patton on the couch, nodding decisively. “I do. I like him.”

And all of a sudden, Patton’s world starts collapsing in on itself.

“What about Virgil?”

Roman scratches the back of his neck. “That’s the thing. I like Virgil, too.”

“Oh.” That hurts so much worse.

“Yeah,” Roman sighs loudly. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”

Patton doesn’t even have to reach for Roman. He’s already being tugged into Roman’s arms.

“No matter what happens, Ro, it’s going to be okay,” Patton murmurs softly, rubbing Roman’s back as he begins to cry. “Lo and Virge love you, okay? And they’re your friends first. They won’t be mad, and you haven’t ruined anything.” Roman sniffles loudly, and Patton hums, then hesitantly says, “And I’m here, you know? Always.”

They stay like that for a while before Patton feels his eyes start to water, and he gives himself about two minutes before he has a full on breakdown on this couch, which obviously can’t happen because _Roman’s_ the one in crisis right now.

“It’s going to be okay, kiddo,” he repeats, giving Roman a final squeeze before letting go. “But right now, you should head to bed. You have morning rehearsal. I’ll make pancakes in the morning, okay?”

Roman pouts for a moment, but he gets up anyway, turning off the TV as Patton folds the blankets. He gives Patton one more hug before he heads down the hall to his room.

The moment Roman’s out of sight, he lets the first tear fall. Because Roman feels the same way! He loves Virgil and Logan, too.

He just doesn’t love Patton.

… Who would?

Everything’s a mess.

Virgil texts him mooning over Roman. Logan complains to him about Roman over coffee. Roman vents to him about Virgil and Logan over Disney movies.

Patton is fine. He’s _fine_. He’s staying strong for his friends, because that’s what they need from him. But things had to come to a head eventually, and now Patton’s caught in the crossfire.

Patton’s not even there when it starts, just about a month after Roman’s confession. He’s walking home from work when Virgil calls him. Of course Patton picks up on the first ring, but he almost wishes he hadn’t after Virgil ends the call after three words. “Get home. Now.” There’s yelling on the other line.

Patton blanches. He feels cold. He runs the rest of the way home.

He’s in the stairwell, not even on their floor yet when he first hears them. He bolts down the hall, flinging open their front door, and he almost bursts into tears at the scene before him.

Roman is crying, that much is obvious. He’s got his back pressed into the kitchen counter, facing the other two, his voice hoarse from the yelling. Virgil’s hugging his knees on the couch, rocking slightly back and forth, pausing every few seconds to furiously wipe at his eyes. He’s yelling too, but his voice is pitchy, panicked. Logan’s got his arms crossed, standing next to Virgil in the living room, his face wet and his eyes rimmed red.

Patton finally picks up on the conversation.

“How the hell was I being selfish?” Roman shouts, gripping the counter behind him so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.

“You _kissed_ Logan!” Virgil screams, and oh. Oh _no_.

“I thought,” Logan says loudly, “that you and Roman had broken up.”

Patton’s so bewildered that he doesn’t even notice the door shut behind him. The other three do, however, and suddenly, they’ve all turned to face him.

“Patton,” Virgil says, in a voice that’s practically a sob, and Patton feels his throat close up.

“ _Liar_ ,” Roman says, storming towards him. Patton yelps, flattening himself against the wall as Roman jabs a finger in his chest.

“Roman, I—“

“Everything will be okay, huh? They won’t get mad?”

“You _knew_?” Logan chokes, and Patton’s gaze darts to him just in time to catch his wounded expression before it hardens to cold anger.

“I… I…” Patton stammers. Suddenly, Virgil stands up.

“I’m gonna go.”

Logan nods. “I’ll be leaving as well. I cannot be here at the moment.”

“Guys,” Patton mumbles, watching them leave without meeting his eyes. Roman takes a few steps back, holding his head in his hands.

“I have to go,” he muttters, grabbing his bag from the table and practically sprinting past him, out the door.

Patton’s head hurts. He feels like he has whiplash.

He falls to his knees, and he begins to cry.

It takes him about half an hour to clean himself up and pack an overnight bag. He calls a Lyft to his brother’s apartment complex, about twenty minutes away, and basically collapses into Emile’s arms upon his arrival.

“Babes, you look terrible.”

Patton gives Remy, Emile’s partner, a grim smile. “Thanks, Rem.”

It takes a little while to get the full explanation out without choking on tears, but he manages. Emile and Remy immediately sandwich Patton on the couch, shushing him as he sobs between them.

They show him into the guest room, and he falls into bed immediately.

He gets the first text at one in the morning.

**roro** 👑❤️

hey, padre

listen

can we talk, maybe?

i didn’t mean it pat.

you know i didn’t.

i’m so fucking sorry patton

i don’t know what i was thinking

come home

please

**lolo** 🪐💙

Patton, it has come to my attention that you believe we are upset at you. We are not.

We have remedied the situation at hand. We are no longer fighting.

I apologize for our — specifically for my — behavior.

I would like to further apologize in person.

Please come home, Patton.

**virge** ⚡️💜

dad

hey

so

roman and logan and i are cool now

and we’re really sorry for last night

it was a mess and we should have handled it better

but it’s movie night tonight and we miss you

well movie morning technically

and we ordered pizza so you better come stop us or we’re gonna go on a junk food binge

well princey and i will

logan said no

patton

please come stop us

please come back

please

Patton turns his phone off without answering them.

It’s not a break-up. How could it be, when they were never together?

So it’s not a break-up, but it sure feels like one.

He dyes his hair.

It’s kind of an impulse decision, less than five days after the fight, but it’s also kind of not. Remy and Emile run to the store with him and help him pick between pink and purple (the purple he decides on matches Virgil’s favorite hoodie, but if either of his companions notice, they don’t mention anything about it to him).

He’s always wanted to dye his hair, but, well… there aren’t a lot of reasons why he hasn’t, actually. He’s just always been afraid of change.

His hands and Remy’s hands and Emile’s hands end up purple and Brad Mondo would’ve had a heart attack if he’d seen the application process but the end result looks—

“You’re so pretty, Patton!” Emile squeals, and Remy nods in agreement.

“You’re a masterpiece, babe.”

He smiles for the first time in a week.

He gets his coffee black today.

It’s been a week and a half since the fight and he’s still struggling to figure out what the right move is. He’s texted them, letting them know that he’s not mad, that he still loves them (like a friend, of course, or at least that’s how they’ll interpret it), but he needs some time away to clear his head. Remy and Emile stressed to him that he can stay with them as long as he’d like.

Patton just doesn’t know how long that is.

Because he’s not mad, really, he’s not, and he forgives his friends for the fight entirely. Lord knows they’ve dealt with him lashing out in the midst of an emotional breakdown before. But it’s an interesting opportunity, isn’t it, to be given time and space to be alone for a while? Could that be what he needs to get over his friends, to finally and truly be able to be there to support them without it breaking his heart?

He’s long since given up hope that they might feel the same. After all, he’s _Patton_. Emotional, condescending, annoying…

_Liar_ , Roman had said.

He shakes his head as he picks up his order, desperately trying to quell the urge to cry. He leaves a hefty tip for his barista, thanking her with a smile, before turning towards the door.

That’s when he sees them.

They’re in the back corner of the cafe, which isn’t typically where Logan likes to sit, but he’s always made exceptions in the past for Virgil, who likes the security of it. Apparently, that’s what’s happened today. Logan’s diligently reading a passage from his textbook while Roman and Virgil bicker over the last of what looks to be a blueberry muffin. Sighing, Logan closes his book, murmuring something to the other two, who grudgingly set down their forks. Patton smiles a bit at the sight, feeling a rush of fondness for the three of them.

Then, Virgil leans over, and kisses Logan.

It’s like someone’s just poured a bucket of ice water over him. He feels rooted to the spot, even though he knows he’s probably inconveniencing the people around him, but he just can’t look away.

Roman doesn’t seem upset in the slightest. No, he laughs a bit, batting Virgil away before stealing a kiss from Logan for himself. Virgil rolls his eyes playfully when they pull apart, quickly pressing a kiss to Roman’s lips and snaking an arm around his waist. Logan goes back to his book, satisfied. They look… They look…

They look _happy_.

It’s then that Roman’s gaze turns towards the front counter, spotting Patton, who probably looks just _awful_ , sweaty, pale-faced, and near tears. Patton can’t hear him, blood rushing in his ears muting everything around him, but it looks like he says Patton’s name. Now Virgil and Logan are looking, too, all traces of the love they’d been radiating gone.

Patton bolts.

He nearly runs down a sweet older woman he knows from his shifts at the coffee shop, barely apologizing in his attempt to escape. He makes a mental note to buy her a muffin the next time she comes in to make it up to her. He doesn’t turn around. He _can’t_.

He runs all the way back to Emile and Remy’s. The lights are all off, and the front door is locked. He’s alone.

He doesn’t check his phone. He doesn’t move to go inside. He gasps for air, panting, deep breaths that make his whole body shudder.

They’re happy. They’re happy, so he’s supposed to be happy, because that’s what he wants, right? They’re happy together, they love each other, and Patton…

Patton sobs.

**fam-ILY**

_Wednesday, 11:34 AM_

**virge** ⚡️💜

i know you asked for space but what WAS that

like did we do something? to piss you off?

i know we should have told you that we’re dating but you haven’t been AROUND pat

i’m making it worse, huh?

i’m sorry pat

i miss you

**lolo** 🪐💙

Patton, I would also like to comment on the interaction we had earlier.

Or rather, the lack of interaction.

I understand your request for space, and I deeply apologize for what transpired previously that contributed to that request.

I miss you very much, Patton, and if there is anything we could do to fix the situation at hand, please let us know.

**roro** 👑❤️

we miss you so much padre

i’m so sorry

i can’t apologize enough

i fucked up, and i took it out on you, and that was so shitty of me

i know you need space and i know you need time, and i get it, really

i know this is my fault

if you hate me, i’d get it

really, i would

**pat**

i don’t hate you, ro

i don’t hate any of you

i’ve just been dealing w some stuff and i didn’t want to weigh you guys down

i’m sorry i ran out so fast

i guess i was just

surprised?

not in a bad way! i’m so incredibly happy for you guys

you guys deserve the whole world and more, seriously

and i’d give you all the shovel talk but i trust you guys to look after each other

**virge** ⚡️💜

thanks pat

we love you

**lolo** 🪐💙

Agreed. We love you very much.

**roro** 👑❤️

so so much pat

if we deserve the world, you deserve the whole universe

**pat**

hahaha

**roro** 👑❤️

and you know you don’t weigh us down, right?

i would slay a thousand dragons for you

**virge** ⚡️💜

i would stop wearing eyeshadow for you pat

seriously

**lolo** 🪐💙

We are here for you, Patton, whether you require our assistance or simply need moral support. You are our friend, and we care about your well-being.

**pat**

yeah

i know

thanks, you guys

i promise i’m good

**virge** ⚡️💜

do you think maybe you might come home soon?

no pressure though

**pat**

i don’t know, honestly

i’m sorry

i’m trying, really, i am

**lolo** 🪐💙

Take your time, Patton. We’ll still be here.

**roro** 👑❤️

yeah, what the nerd said

we’re not going anywhere

we love you, patton

**pat**

i love you guys too

i gotta go, but holler if you need me, okay?

i’m still always here if you need anything

**virge** ⚡️💜

same over here

call us if you need us, yeah?

**pat**

yeah

i will

Two weeks after the fight, Patton wakes up with a fever.

He’s cold and shaky and his throat feels like sandpaper, and he barely makes it to the kitchen to put the kettle on. Emile’s at his internship right now, and Remy’s working the opening shift, so Patton’s alone in the apartment. He opens the cabinets and finds the kettle, half a bag of loose leaf peppermint tea, and no honey.

He swallows dryly, and feels his eyes prick with tears of exhaustion. He shoots Remy a text to pick him up some honey on his way home for his throat, since Remy’s the one most likely to check his phone.

**rem** 🕶🖤

babes, i’m not gonna be home for a while

neither is em

i’m gonna call someone, okay?

they’ll go pick up food and honey and look after you until we get back

crawl back into bed, pat, okay?

**em** 👓💗

Hey Pat! Remy just texted me. I’m so sorry you’re sick! I hope you feel better!

Remy’s sending someone over to check on you now! Just hang in there until we get home, okay? Love you!

Patton obediently staggers back towards the bed, just in time for his knees to give out. He curls in on himself, shivering, and pulls the blankets up just as his eyes start to flutter closed.

He wakes up to low whispering.

There’s a man in his room, that much is clear. Patton’s glasses are on the nightstand, so he’d have to move to grab them, risking alerting the man that he’s awake.

“—have to call you back later, Patton appears to be in rough shape and requires my attention… An expression, dear, I _am_ learning, you know… Yes, I understand, I will tell him, but I do not guarantee anything… I love you both, too.”

Logan. It has to be.

And just as the realization hits him, he sneezes.

Logan whirls around, immediately rushing to his side. “Patton! Are you alright? Do you need me to make tea with honey? I’ve told you not to sit out in the rain, you catch colds so easily—”

“I’m fine, Lo,” he croaks, reaching out to grab Logan’s hand. “I wouldn’t mind a little tea, though. Think I’ve got a frog in my throat.” He coughs a little, turning his face into the pillow, and he feels Logan gently comb his other hand through Patton’s curls.

“It’s alright, darling,” Logan coos, and it sends a shiver down Patton’s spine. “I will return in a few minutes.” He hears Logan leave, but everything sounds just slightly underwater, so he can’t be sure it’s not just his mind playing tricks on him. He hears the kettle whistling in the kitchen as his eyes begin to flutter shut, and though he wants to stay awake with Logan, everything just aches so much.

He feels Logan return more than he sees or hears him as the foot of the bed sinks down. He hears Logan set a mug of tea on the nightstand, hears but can’t quite make out a few murmured words. He feels warm, and sighs softly, snuggling down further in the blankets.

“Oh, Patton,” he hears from Logan. He feels a gentle hand brush through his curls once more. What he feels next… it can’t be right. He has to be wrong.

Because it feels a lot like Logan has leaned over, and pressed his lips to Patton’s forehead.

“Rest now, love,” Logan says quietly. He doesn’t hear anything after that as sleep overtakes him.

Everything’s a mess.

He hasn’t been able to think clearly since Logan kissed him on the forehead last week, mostly because he can’t quite figure out _why_ Logan kissed him.

More than that. He’d called him love. Him. Patton. Logan had called him _love_.

There’s a part of Patton that wants to believe he’d meant it. That Logan really did love him like that.

But there’s a significantly larger part that knows Logan could never. Patton wasn’t worth loving, not when Logan had Roman and Virgil.

So why had he said it? Why had he kissed him?

He shakes his head. He’s not going to figure anything out like this. He knows what he has to do.

So Patton straightens his shoulders, and plasters on the biggest smile he can manage.

Time to face the music.

He brings sunflowers. He’s not so sure why, honestly, but it feels like the right thing to do.

He knocks on the door of their apartment, breathing deeply. Inside, the conversation halts abruptly.

The door opens. “… Pat?”

He drops the bouquet. Patton clears his throat, forcing a smile. “H-hi, guys.”

Without any warning, Virgil’s up from the couch and rocketing himself into Patton’s arms, clinging to him like he’s afraid Patton will disappear if he lets go for more than a second. Roman and Logan quickly follow behind, bringing their arms around the two of them in a warm group hug.

“Oh, darling,” Logan whispers as they all break apart, reaching out a hand to cup his face and thumbing away what Patton now realizes are tears. He’s crying.

“I’m o-okay,” Patton stutters out, nodding. “Are we… I mean, am I… I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

Roman shushes him gently, pulling Patton towards his chest. Patton lets himself be maneuvered so that his forehead is pressed into Roman’s front, effectively hiding him from the others. “Dearest, you are not the one who needs to apologize.”

Patton shakes his head, feeling small. “I should’ve reached out more, or something. I worried you for nothing… and I should’ve handled things better—”

“Pat,” Virgil mutters, gripping one of his hands tightly in his own. “We fucked up, okay? It wasn’t your fault that we had that fight, and we never should’ve made you feel like it was.”

“Furthermore,” Logan says, carding a hand through Patton’s hair. Patton leans into it, eyes fluttering, and he both hears and feels Roman’s breath hitch. It’s a heady sensation. “It has come to our attention that you may not recognize how much the three of us have missed you.”

“Which is _so much_ , Pat.” He feels Virgil throw his arms around Roman’s neck, effectively sandwiching Patton between the two of them. It’s making Patton’s heart beat in double time, and it’s a bit overwhelming.

“Guys,” he whimpers, squirming, and they release him immediately, stepping back. He tries to avoid the crestfallen expressions left in his wake, instead fixating on a chip in the kitchen floor. “It’s okay, really. You don’t have to— have to lie, okay? To make me feel better? I’m not gonna leave again, I swear.”

“Lie?” Roman asks, bewildered. Patton fidgets with his hands, still refusing to make eye contact.

“Y’know, like… Well, I guess not lying, exactly, but you don’t have to exaggerate.” He glances up quickly, but it just makes him more confused. Shouldn’t they be happy? That they don’t have to tiptoe around his feelings, fearing that he’ll leave again?

So why do his friends look so gutted?

“Exa—” Virgil shakes his head. “Pat, do you think we’re lying about missing you?”

He makes a helpless noise, barely catching the way it makes Roman desperately grab for Logan’s hand.

“… I don’t know,” he admits. He starts to ramble, “Because I know I’m a bit much, you know? I’m overbearing, sometimes, and I get too emotional, and I know I annoy you guys sometimes and it’s _fine_ , it’s okay if you really don’t want me around, I promise I’ll stay out of your hair now that you’re all together, but you don’t have to go out of your way to include me if you don’t—“

“ _Patton_.” Logan says sharply, and Patton falters, sniffling.

“You don’t have to change.” Patton barely manages to get the words out. “Because none of you are the _problem._ ”

A few beats of silence follow his words.

“You think you’re a problem,” Roman says tonelessly. Patton cringes, shifting his stance.

“Well—”

Roman cuts him off, holding up a hand. “Give me a moment, please.” Patton shrinks in on himself as Roman continues. “You, Patton Hart… think you’re a _problem_.” Roman laughs harshly, and Patton shrinks down further.

“Princey,” Virgil hisses, swatting at him. “Not. Helping.”

“He thinks he’s a problem!” Roman tells him in a voice tinged with hysteria. “I just… I can’t… _How_?”

He feels a hand in his own, feels his fingers intertwine with someone else’s. “Patton.” Logan squeezes his hand so tightly it’s almost painful, and Patton barely manages to hold back a shuddering sob. “Darling, you are _not_ a problem. You are the furthest thing from a problem.” Patton can feel when Logan starts to quake, rubbing gentle circles on the back of Patton’s hand with his thumb as he inhales quietly. “You always made me feel welcome, even if I didn’t know how to reciprocate,” Logan says, exhaling hard. “You’re the first person asking me if I’m alright, and you always look out for the wellbeing of others. You were the first person to ever really _listen_.”

Virgil’s eyes light up with recognition, and he takes an unsteady step forward, locking eyes with Patton. “You were my first friend, Pat, and you know me better than anyone else. You’re the first person I call when I’m having an attack, because you always know how to ground me. You make me feel safe.”

“You’re the first person to cheer me on,” Roman says, “even when I’m feeling less than confident about something.” His voice is so rocky that it knocks the air out of Patton’s lungs for a moment. “You gave me a place to stay when you barely knew me, let me into your life when I really didn’t have anyone else. You feel like home, Patton.”

And the way they’re looking at him, it’s… It’s too much. Especially when they don’t mean it like that. “Stop, please,” he borderline wails. His friends fall silent, and his heartbeat putters out.

They don’t mean it. Not like that. Not like he wants them to. So why…?

Oh. _Oh_. They know.

“Did… Did Remy tell you?” He sighs. “Emile? Or am I… am I just that obvious?”

He lifts his eyes to gauge their reactions, but they look genuinely baffled. “Did Remy tell us what?”

Which is infuriating, in a way, because they clearly know, and they clearly know that he knows they know. So really, what he screams next can’t be helped. “That I’m in love with you!”

Silence. Patton gulps. “With… with all of you.”

It’s Virgil who speaks first. “What?” He says delicately, hands up in a placating gesture.

And that’s, well… that’s the cherry on top, isn’t it? Patton laughs bitterly, crossing his arms tightly over his chest and fixating his gaze back on the chip in the tile floor below. “I get the whole speech thing now, but seriously kiddos, I’m… I’m okay, yeah? I’ve got a handle on it now, had to get one sometime, even if it took a few years.”

“Years?”

Patton groans quietly. Leave it to his best friends to focus on the minor inaccuracies. “I mean… I guess, technically a year for Logan, since we went to the planetarium together.” He ponders the dates for a brief moment. “But I mean, gosh, it’s been… two and a half for Roman, now, since opening night of our show, and Virgil… Virgil pretty much from sixth grade on.”

He hears one of them cough. “Patton…” Feels then slightest brush of fingertips on his wrist. He stumbles backwards.

“No, but see, I can manage it now!” He pleads, tone hinging on desperation. He shoves a hand through his hair. “And if you… I mean, if you just give me some time, maybe… maybe some space, I mean, I can get over it, you know? And I know you’re together now, and I am—" He almost chokes but, "I am so, unbelievably happy that you found each other, and that you’re happy. Because you are the best people I know, and you deserve it. That's why I've said nothing. That's why I've been keeping my distance. Because I couldn't be selfish and tell you all this, and expect you guys to not walk away for good."

“Pat—" He keeps his head bowed. He can’t look up at them. He won’t.

"I can't be the thing that keeps you from the rest of your life. I can't do that to you. Because you three are..." Patton searches for the right word. Perfect? His best friends? The loves of his life? He settles on what makes sense. "You're everything.”

Patton hears Roman make a small sound, hears Logan mumble some words of comfort to him. He bites his lip. His eyes are watering, and his heart is imploding, and he can't do this. He needs to finish this conversation and get out of here. "I will always be here for you. But I can't be the thing that ruins your happiness. I’m here for you, okay, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. But… maybe it’s better if I stay with Emile and Rem for a while longer and give you guys your space." He nods once, convincing himself.

This is what he wants, right? For them to be happy?

Virgil’s voice startles him out of his thoughts. “What about you?” He says thinly. Patton feels numb.

“What?”

“What about you?” Virgil says louder, jutting out his chin defiantly, eyes blazing. “What do you want, Patton, what about what makes you happy?”

He takes a step backwards. Another. “I-I don’t understand.”

“Patton,” Roman whispers, pressing his lips together. “You’re so wrapped up in making us happy, but what about you?”

“Have you considered the thought,” Logan joins in, “that there is a distinct possibility that your concern for us has made you blind to the obvious?”

“I’m not—”

“You clueless moron,” Virgil laughs breathlessly, and he feels him tilt his chin up. Patton meets Virgil’s eyes, and he’s overwhelmed by the love within them. “We love you, too.”

“… What?”

Virgil lets go and steps back. Patton’s skin tingles from the absence of warmth. “Literally since day one. When you stood up for me, remember?” Virgil laughs again, lost in memory. “And then you practically demanded to be my friend. I thought you were cute, and… you made me feel seen, Pat.” He shrugs, smiling softly.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Roman says out of nowhere. Patton turns to face him, curious. Roman’s eyes are twinkling. “My favorite flowers were roses, red ones. And then you brought sunflowers opening night, and they were suddenly the most beautiful flowers in the world.” He sobers for a moment. “But I’d never had friends like you and Virgil before. Friends who cared about me like that. I wanted to kiss you that night, but then it was five minutes until show, and… I didn’t want to ruin things.”

“Ro…” Patton says weakly, but then Logan cuts in.

“I’ve known since we met. I made an attempt to ask you on a date—“

It hits Patton like a freight train. “When we went stargazing. You mean…?”

Logan nods. “I… lost my nerve. And I was correct in my assumption that you did not consider it a date. In my mind, had you been interested in me, you would have done so.”

“I didn’t want to get my hopes up.” Patton murmurs. “Because I’m—”

“Because you’re you. And we love you.” Logan finishes for him.

He sniffles. “I, um… wow, okay, I—”

“… Too much?” Virgil asks hesitantly, backing up a bit.

Patton giggles, drying his eyes. “No, no, never, I just… I wanna kiss all of you and I don’t know where to start, this feels like a dream—”

“ _You’re_ a dream,” Roman says affectionately. And then he’s kissing him.

Roman kisses like _fire_. It sounds ridiculous, but something is flickering to life within him, and he feels like he’s burning from the inside out. There’s anger in Roman’s kiss, like he’s angry at all the time they’ve wasted, unfiltered emotion pouring out as he pulls Patton impossible closer. And then he steps backwards, and Patton feels dizzy with sensation.

Logan reaches out. “Is this alright?”

Patton nods enthusiastically. “ _Definitely_.”

The first though Patton has is that Logan kisses like the world is ending. The intensity of it all makes his head spin, but Logan’s never been one to do things by half-measures. Logan is an ocean of a person, and God, he wants to drown in him. He can’t believe he’d never noticed how Logan felt, how any of them felt. He’d been so blind.

They pull apart and Patton practically falls into Virgil’s chest. He feels a rumble of laughter. “You gonna be okay?”

“I’d be better if you’d kiss me already, only been in love with you for half our lives,” Patton grumbles. Virgil snorts.

“As you wish,” he teases, and oh. Oh. Virgil... Virgil is soft. Softer than he’d expected. Virgil is gentle, calming. He kisses him, and Patton’s heart soars, like the world has been made right again. It’s like he needs Virgil like he needs air to breathe, the way he kisses like he’s a light in the dark, guiding him home.

“I love you,” he says, to no one in particular.

“Love you, too,” Virgil mumbles, pressing another kiss to his cheek. And finally…

Finally, Patton believes it.

Patton’s always loved the rain.

“Princey!” Virgil yelps as Roman splashes in a puddle right beside him, covering his face with his hands.

“Aw, what’s the matter, my dark and stormy knight?” Roman says cheekily, then lets out a high-pitched shriek as Virgil tackles him, sending them both careening into the mud.

“They’re children,” mutters Logan. Patton leans into his side beneath their shared umbrella, clutching his ribs as he laughs at the antics of his boyfriends. After he’s caught his breath, he eyes Logan, the gears in his brain whirring to life.

Logan notices, and his eyes widen considerably. “Patton, I beg of you, there must be another solution.”

Patton pretends to think it over before snatching the umbrella out of Logan’s hand and racing after Roman and Virgil, hopping in every puddle on his way.

“Patton!” Logan yells after him, voice colored with fond affection. “Give me the umbrella!”

“Never!” He squeals, cackling as Roman catches him, scooping him up in a bridal style carry. Roman tries to run after Virgil with Patton in his arms, but the ground is wet, and they only make it about eight steps before Roman slips and falls, with Patton landing on top of him.

“Roman?” Logan quickly catches up, coming to check on Roman. He sets a hand on Roman’s arm. Roman reaches for Logan… then grabs his tie, tugging him down. Gracelessly, he lands beside them in the mud.

“Hey there, Microsoft Nerd.”

Logan narrows his eyes. He shakes his head, conceding to Roman with a laugh.

“Just once, I’d like to go out on a proper date without any shenanigans from you three.”

“Aw, you love us,” Patton coos. Logan rolls his eyes.

“So I do.”

Virgil finally makes his way back towards them. “So, that’s probably a no to the nice restaurant, huh?”

Patton sighs, standing up. He offers a hand up to Roman, then to Logan. “Sorry, kiddo,” he chirps, not really sorry at all. “Maybe next time, we’ll try a night when it’s not raining.”

Virgil shrugs, not looking disappointed in the slightest. He smiles slyly. “So… movie night?”

“Movie night,” Logan agrees, resting his chin on Roman’s shoulder. Patton siddles up next to Virgil, wrapping his arms around his neck.

They walk back to their apartment, hands intertwined, and Patton thinks to himself that there’s nowhere in the world he’d rather be than here.

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh... who knows what brought this on! join me in crying about these boys 25/8!
> 
> though seriously, there are exactly two (2) things getting me through college, which are the incredible "Love and Other Fairytales" series by SoDoRoses (go read if you haven't, you will not regret it), and the monster of the week campaign i've been running for my friends in between classes. (if you haven't heard of motw, it's a VERY entertaining rpg that i highly recommend you check out!)
> 
> i've been working on this off and on for the better part of a week, and i'm still a lil unsure about it? like honestly, there was a point i was considering doing a full length fic or a bunch of little one shots, but i'm already working on two other full length fics, so instead it turned into... this.
> 
> all that nonsense aside, i do hope you enjoy! <3 love y'all


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